Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Friends 2 - and pretending I am fine.…

Over the period I had been on sick leave, I had spent a lot of time inside as mentioned in previous posts… also, as mentioned I did have the odd outing when friends came over…

To various results.

In the early stages , even before I went off on sick leave, a friend of mine from Scotland came over and spent the weekend with us, we are close and I noticed he was definitely worried, but hey… I’m stubborn, and I just kept going… whereas he definitely saw something wasn’t right.. He told me off, but again, I’m stubborn, “it will work itself out”, “don’t worry I’ll be fine”, “I just need to rest my eyes a bit that’s all…”

Then there was the time another friend of mine came over with her husband, also from Scotland, and that’s when previously mentioned “nearly panic attack in the department shop” happened.. Again, I hid my issue, and kept brave…

Around that same time my brother and one of our life long friends came over from the homeland and joined up with a friend of mine from Sweden… again.. I noticed they were worried, but hey… I was “out of it” on tramadol’s, so I didn’t "really" notice, I just kept going… 

We even went on a walking tour through London where every step up or down the pavement either one of them, or my girlfriend had to tell me, “no, it looks like there is a step, but there isn’t..” or “watch out.. pot hole” or “careful… STEP!!!”

Pretty stressful for them to keep an eye on me, (i'm sure they rather be listening to what Jack the Ripper had been upto) pretty stressful and annoying for me, as I am fine!!!!!  (Well, I’m not of course… but as said, STUBBORN!!!!)

One of the last times someone came over was when my friend from Northampton visited with her boyfriend, our birthdays are in the same week and we try to meet up then if we can.. this was just a couple of days after the diagnosis, so I felt better mentally I guess, and had said yes to meeting up in London… after having had a nice late lunch we ended up walking around a bit in the evening darkness of London and when we hit Trafalgar square I almost SH*T myself… these massive steps had turned into a massive slope and I could not see where the steps went down into the next, and it was full off people and lights!!!!!

Almost there and then I felt an attack heading towards me, but again…. I just kept going, being stubborn

Not letting my friends (people that obviously care about me ) know I’m not cool , I’m not doing well, I’m not as cheerful as I’m making out to be…..
(although, this time around, I did indicate to my girlfriend I needed her to hold my arm and help me..)

 The things is, these are the people you should be able to let loose with and tell that your aren’t good, and that your aren’t doing that well… so why didn’t I?

Pride? Ego? Always the “Carer”, never the “Cared for”?

I don’t really know… in the last case it probably was down to, “oh it’s getting better now since I know what it is …” so I wanted to keep a brave face… then again, I wanted to do that the other times as well.

What I have determined is that, although I think I can consider myself a pretty sociable person, in certain situations I appear to be a loner,

For instance, I tend not to do “Man Flu”.
(anyone that knows me and wants to contest this, please leave a comment (-: )
When I get a heavy cold, or “Flu-y” I just get on with it, hole up in bed if needs be, take my meds, take my juice, and deal with it in a pragmatic practical way..  and I don’t go “oh look at me I feel so rubbish, please feel sorry for me “

I don’t need anyone to nurse me, I’ll do it myself…

Pretty similar to what I just described above I guess… 

This is also the same reason why I probably, in hindsight, left it too long before seeing a doctor with regards to my vision issues, or with regards to being depressed, or why I drove a car much longer then really was safe… or because it took so long before I accepted using a cane when needed…

Too bloody independent, when I shouldn’t be.

Well, that is unfortunately still an issue, I still want to do things myself, and in 97% of my daily life I do….. but I have started to accept that I will have to depend more on people when I want this to work.
As yes, (at time of writing - November 2012) I have come a long way, but I still have moments where , on occasions, someone does need to hold my elbow to walk down steps, or read something from a menu or scout for potholes, drive me somewhere. 

Even if the next moment I can do all these things again without a problem, I will always still need, on occasions, some form of help, support, friendship. People that care…..

And you know what, I have noticed that i shouldn't make such a fuzz out of it, over the last couple of months i have noticed that old friends, new friends, colleagues  family, they all look out for me, not caring if i asked or not.. just spotting steps and drops, and tables that I apparently didn't... so yeah,  that’s actually not a bad thing, being able to accept your friends help.If anything its better then waking up in the morning and wondering whre that bruise on your arm just came from.

In fact, I wish I had put my pride aside last Saturday evening at a restaurant  where I had dinner with a friend.

There where 2 rice dishes with similar names, right below each other, and I knew my eyes were playing tricks on me, but still proceeded ordering, and ended being served with possibly the spiciest dish on the menu...i was on fire, but pretended not to be.... 

As for my friend? she just smiled at me with a look that said.. "you idiot, why didn't you ask me for help?" 

Weirdly, those are things I DO see... 

No comments: