Monday, November 19, 2012

Depression is a bitch..

She is, she really is…….

I can happily say that I’ve knocked it on the head, but back in Winter 2011/2012 I had it bad… I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel with my eye sight…(yep, pun intended)

It just kept me down so much, I would not leave my bed, let alone the flat, I wouldn't even be interested in listening  to the radio, or podcast, I would just lie there in my little “visual prison cell”….and think… think a lot… spending way too much time in my own head, and I ended  up not really liking myself for a while.. and that’s tough…

I've always been loud, argumentative, “full- on”, cynical, sarcastic, opinionated, and stubborn, a “drama queen” even, (amongst many other  flaws). Which can be seen as very annoying habits, however, one thing that I think saved me from being “annoying” is that at least in everything I did I was genuine… (otherwise I really don’t know how I ended up with such good friends in the first place) and if I was all those things previously mentioned, it was because I cared, either about the subject, or the person…. to me it always came down to caring.. and I stopped caring, and then you are just left with an obnoxious person.

As mentioned before , I have seen depression before in others close to me, and it hurt seeing  them like that.(I can only imagine how my then girlfriend felt.. it must have been so tough on her)  the trouble is people that suffer from this don’t realise themselves that they are in that place, untill you are already way in… just like I didn’t either, but once I finally owned up to the problem, it was hard, but I was able to climb out of the hole….

Like I’ve said in a previous post, I didn't want to go down the chemical route to start off with , so my GP had suggested I’d take “St John wort” and “Evening Primrose” tablets to start off with, (on top of that a friend had also recommended “cod liver oil”, which the GP said was ok to combine aswell) she also wanted me to exercise more, (releases endorphin's which makes you feel better ) which wasn't such a bad idea anyway I guess, as I, although i've never been a slim person, had ballooned to about 125kg… but the last time I was able to make it to the gym it almost finished in a panic attack, so that was a no go for that… but I did get a stationary bike to cycle on every day. and as said, she suggested I’d write things down.. to get it out of my system, and  that worked pretty well I guess, seeing that you are reading some of the result of that.

Needless to say I did end up crawling out of that black hole, either because all the previously mentioned  things worked, or also because finally there was light at the end of the tunnel ,as I finally knew what was wrong, so I finally had some grip on what was happening and what could be done about it…

I don’t know, I genuinely don’t, as although all was looking up, certain things went wrong as well, my relationship with my girlfriend ended after 4yrs, I had stress about returning back to work etc (more to come on that later)

Bottom line is I came out on top, and it feels great

Question remains, have I changed? As, as said, I had grown to not like myself very much… 
Well....yes, I have changed… I have learned to trust my gut even more, I approach things even more pragmatic than I used to do,  I’ve learned to live with what my disorder limits me in doing, by circumnavigating it, and concentrating on what I definitely can do, instead of letting it limit me.   

Have my habits changed?
No.. I’m still loud, argumentative, “full- on”, cynical, sarcastic, opinionated, and stubborn, and yes, still a drama queen.. (Sometimes I think it’s gotten worse even…)but always, always with the best intentions…

In a conversation I had with a friend the other day on this, she admitted that although it frequently annoys the shit out of her…. she secretly loves it as well.

As said, in my opinion, I’m all of this, because I care, and I am convinced that therein lies the difference, and in a way, I think it makes me a better person, at the same time that could be full-on self-delusion of course, and maybe I should go back and get some more meds…

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