I can happily say that I’ve knocked it on the head, but back
in Winter 2011/2012 I had it bad… I just couldn't see the light at the end of
the tunnel with my eye sight…(yep, pun intended)
It just kept me down so much, I would not leave my bed, let
alone the flat, I wouldn't even be interested in listening to the radio, or podcast, I would just lie
there in my little “visual prison cell”….and think… think a lot… spending way
too much time in my own head, and I ended up not really liking myself for a while.. and that’s
tough…
I've always been loud, argumentative, “full- on”, cynical, sarcastic,
opinionated, and stubborn, a “drama queen” even, (amongst many other flaws). Which can be seen as very annoying habits,
however, one thing that I think saved me from being “annoying” is that at least
in everything I did I was genuine… (otherwise I really don’t know how I ended
up with such good friends in the first place) and if I was all those things previously
mentioned, it was because I cared, either about the subject, or the person…. to
me it always came down to caring.. and I stopped caring, and then you are just
left with an obnoxious person.
As mentioned before , I have seen depression before in
others close to me, and it hurt seeing them like that.(I can only imagine how my then
girlfriend felt.. it must have been so tough on her) the trouble is people that suffer from this don’t
realise themselves that they are in that place, untill you are already way in…
just like I didn’t either, but once I finally owned up to the problem, it was
hard, but I was able to climb out of the hole….
Like I’ve said in a previous post, I didn't want to go down
the chemical route to start off with , so my GP had suggested I’d take “St John
wort” and “Evening Primrose” tablets to start off with, (on top of that a friend
had also recommended “cod liver oil”, which the GP said was ok to combine
aswell) she also wanted me to exercise more, (releases endorphin's which makes
you feel better ) which wasn't such a bad idea anyway I guess, as I, although i've
never been a slim person, had ballooned to about 125kg… but the last time I was
able to make it to the gym it almost finished in a panic attack, so that was a no
go for that… but I did get a stationary bike to cycle on every day. and as said,
she suggested I’d write things down.. to get it out of my system, and that worked pretty well I guess, seeing that you
are reading some of the result of that.
Needless to say I did end up crawling out of that black hole,
either because all the previously mentioned things worked, or also because finally there
was light at the end of the tunnel ,as I finally knew what was wrong, so I finally
had some grip on what was happening and what could be done about it…
I don’t know, I genuinely don’t, as although all was looking
up, certain things went wrong as well, my relationship with my girlfriend ended
after 4yrs, I had stress about returning back to work etc (more to come on that
later)
Bottom line is I came out on top, and it feels great
Question remains, have I changed? As, as said, I had grown
to not like myself very much…
Well....yes, I have changed… I have learned to trust
my gut even more, I approach things even more pragmatic than I used to do, I’ve learned to live with what my disorder
limits me in doing, by circumnavigating it, and concentrating on what I definitely
can do, instead of letting it limit me.
Have my habits changed?
No.. I’m still loud, argumentative, “full- on”, cynical, sarcastic,
opinionated, and stubborn, and yes, still a drama queen.. (Sometimes I think it’s
gotten worse even…)but always, always with the best intentions…
In a conversation I had with a friend the other day on this, she
admitted that although it frequently annoys the shit out of her…. she secretly
loves it as well.
As said, in my opinion, I’m all of this, because I care, and I am convinced that therein lies the difference, and in a way, I think it makes me
a better person, at the same time that could be full-on self-delusion of course,
and maybe I should go back and get some more meds…
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