Getting out of the Comfort Zone?

In previous post I’ve touched on the subject of being able to do certain things and not being able to do other things, or at least not the way I used to do them before….

For example in the video in the previous post KC  Sufferer Cris tells his story very eloquently, and there is a part where he talks about not being able to see stars anymore….

I hadn’t noticed I couldn't see them anymore as where I initially lived when I was diagnosed I would not see that many stars anyway… but when Cris mentions this part, it was like a slap in the face… “really, even that?”  and the first opportunity I had , I looked at the night sky and yep… even "that" was taken away…

I stayed at a mountain lake resort last December in Bali, and whilst one evening in the pool I looked up to the sky and just go in a funk…. No stars… just blurs….

Now, this isn’t a physical challenge at all, these are mental challenges….

I spotted  a comment once from a fellow KC sufferer that said, with this disease you better have a sense of humour otherwise you’d go mad… and Cris in his video displays that as well, where he mentions well, I might not see stars anymore, but the moon is big enough so that I see it multiple times.. so beat that… J

And It just proves that there’s more ways than one, to look at your problems.

Although I can navigate my way through things properly most off the times, I do walk around with my “Blind Man Cane” in my “Man Bag” purely for a "just in case" situation… Just in case my lenses irritate me so much I need to take them out, or just in case I trip, lose my lenses and need to find my way back home… without tripping even more..

Now as mentioned sometimes things get tricky, and things get scary, due to just not seeing things the way it should be…

There was one occasion where I was flat hunting and I actually didn’t see a step coming out of the flat I had just looked at, and tripped and chipped my tooth…. So there’s valid reasons for this…”crutch” or “backup plan”. Suffice to say I didn’t take hat flat J

I have had to use the cane whilst here , not for walking support, but to protect myself  from a group of school kids that were running down old concrete steps near St.Paul's Church,Malacca

As mentioned before, stairs sort of become like a ski-slope when you have KC, so you need to tread carefully, especially coming down steps… now these steps are fairly narrow, and there was this group of school kids running down, and frankly I got slightly scared… but these kids don’t know I have a problem and therefor I’m walking slowly,  so I grabbed my cane out of my bag, not to hit them of courseJ but just to indicate.. “hey guys, careful here please”… and It worked

Another time where I initially wanted to use the cane was at the Batu Caves

a spiritual place where there is a climb of over 170 steps to go up, and down ofcourse J

I started of scared like shit, but then decided, no, you’re going to do this… and the going up was fine, I just looked where I was putting my feet and just didn’t look up untill I finally got to the top… and what a feeling that was….

But then the steps down, the “Ski-Slope” experience had to happen….

And after a deep breath I did it, I help the bannister and worked my way down… I slipped once, but because of the bannister I kept balance and all was good..

So good that I went back with a friend only a week or 2 later… and again did the whole thing…

Now this doesn’t seem much, but mentally it was such an achievement for me… in a way  a symbol of progressions, only 10 months before I had thought we would never find out what was going on with my eyes and had slipped into depression and thought there was no end to it… and here I was on top of the world.. well.. .pretty high up in any case, in a very spiritual place and I wasn’t blind and I wasn’t depressed, I was just “getting on” with it…

Another one of these things was only last week,  I went on a road trip with some people I had met over the last couple of months here in Malaysia, and I already went from on experience into another… “hugging” an Elephant, “hugging” a Python, Seeing the beautiful nature Malaysia has to offer, and I already felt very privileged as if anyone would’ve  told me this a year ago I would’ve told them to be realistic and that there’s no way in the world this would happen….

Well, the day got even better after having appreciated how lucky I actually am…. As I ended up clambering over Slippery rocks and Swimming in a waterfall to then clambering on top of a massive (slippery) rock in the middle of this waterfall. Again, this doesn't sound like much, but  these are things I used to not think about it the first place and just did… but now there was I chance I could seriously hurt myself by just not seeing a drop or a little step or rock in my way and trip n stumble… initially is was just happy to have been able to make my way to the edge of the waterfall over a bit of a rock path and thought yeah, this is good, but then it started niggling, what If your home and thought, damn, I wish I had….

So I started wading in, but from where I was at that point the river floor was covered by slippery and sharp rocks and it just wasn't a good feeling,… luckily my friends saw that I was stubbornly trying and sort of talked me out of injuring myself and suggested to go to another part of the river where it looked like there were less rocks to navigate and easier access to the water straight away…  so I did

And as you can see by the massive childlike grin on my face I was pretty euphoric…

For me the KC journey has become a journey of pushing my boundaries, accepting the ones I really can’t break and have to live with,  and just play the card i've been dealt….

I’m sure there will be “downs” here and there, but I’m pretty chuffed with the “ups” so far… 

Kaleidoscope

This explains what KCers experience pretty well…

http://vimeo.com/51431661#at=0

Fellow KC Sufferer Cristo Gonzales has made a great couple of videos to explain the steps of noticing your eyes go weird to being diagnosed and onwards… Very touching and confronting for myself as I really recognized so much stuff he was describing,

http://vimeo.com/cristos/videos

September 2012 - Malaysia my new home?

Skipping ahead 3 months, Australia was a good form of a mental recovery exercise in a way I guess

Work went well, my eyes played ball nicely, and mentally I was able to spent time with myself again… so all was on the up….

Don’t get me wrong, there were days my burned and hurt like a bitch, there were days where I woke up and couldn’t get my lenses in with all the will in the world for at least another hour… but overall it went well…

The only big disappointment was waking up one Sunday morning where I had planned to meet up with a couple of people, and my eyes were hurting like anything .and sadly had to cancel, the upside of this was that it was a weekend, and I had for some reason “made a deal” with my eyes to not play up during week day where I had to work…..

All in all it all went well down under.

What next now though? Back to the UK? 

Well, actually …. I ended up being asked if I was interested in moving to Kuala Lumpur…. And eh, I figured, yeah why not….. J

So suddenly, as of September, I found myself in Malaysia with a view to work and live here for quite a while, which itself has brought some challenges, admittedly some that just happened, others that I went looking for in itself, but all challenges that so far I’ve overcome, and feel damn good about….

June 2012 - Down-Under

So, Asia- Pacific?

Well…..

Initially there was talk about Bali, then Singapore, then Australia, and we settled on Australia for 3 months and we would see what would happen next..

There was a project at a beach-side resort in Adelaide where our company was contracted to install a new reservations system.

I would go and be the main “point- man” on site and stay on in the resort itself for those 3 months in a bungalow there.

But, how would that work?

• ·         Did I remember enough of my job to do it well?  (I had been out of the loop for 8months after all) Can my eyes cope? (don’t know that yet, we will just have to see I guess..)
• ·         Is this something I want?  (Yes, of course….. I had already resigned myself to the fact that id never get to that part of the world until I’ve hit retirement age… and now its there for the taking…)
• ·         3 months solitary on my own… could I cope?  (Well I was in a better place mentally anyway now, so maybe it was time to challenge myself and learn to spent time with myself again, without entering in to depression again…)
• ·         Would there be care available for my eyes if needs be? (after a bit of an internet search, yes there was and I decided to get a spare pair of lenses  as well, just in case…)
• ·         I’d never flown any longer then 5hours… now its was a “bit” further, how was that going to go, especially as flying isn’t much fun with RGP lenses in…. ( solution, take them out and rely on cabin crew and support cane.)

Well, before I realised it, I found myself in Adelaide, in winter time, not as glamorous as the picture that was painted to me, but hey… It was good, very good.

Broken Skin, Broken Phone, Broken Pride

PRESENT TIME…

I still have quite some posts to go to bring you all up to date completely, but if you’ve been reading this blog a bit, you will know I’m currently living, in Malaysia, and am most of the time successfully dealing with my Vision restrictions…

Well, today I didn’t…

The period described in this blog has thought me many things, but one big thing id like to think I walked away with was a greater sense of humility … I don’t think I was ever an arrogant person, but we can always use a bit more humility… well, I think I left humility for what it was for a while, as It smacked me right in the face today.

As mention as a sub-header on this blog, I “stumble” on occasions… this is due to depth perception issues and just generally not seeing the best in darkened areas….

Well, over the last couple of month I have found myself navigating potholes and steps, and ditches and uneven surfaces (which are in abundance on the streets of Kuala Lumpur, I can tell you.)quite efficiently, yeah I tripped on occasions, but always regained my balance one way or another…

However, today… I didn’t… regain my balance…

I fell…. HARD… I walked out of a shop, brightly lit, into the darkens outside and did not see the step going down….

Now, I can blame it on the darkness and leave it at that… but it wasn’t the darkens that made me trip, its was the cockiness I’ve developed over the last part of the year that has made me pay less attention to my surrounding, as , after all, I had been so successful in not falling….

Well, today I learned a lesson, it doesn’t matter how successful you’ve been in trying not too fall, if you get cocky about not falling in the first place, karma comes back and bite you in the ass…

Or in my case …… Breaks my Skin, my Phone and my Pride….

A welcome, if slightly painful lesson

May 2012 - What now?

So, life was nicely hobbling along.

So far its may and 2012 had been pretty ok, apart from the end of a 4yrs relationship that is of course… but it was mostly pretty good:

I had found out what was wrong with me, I had discovered its manageable….  A challenge at times…. but definitely not the end of the world…. I had gone back to work, with mixed but mainly positive results. I had starting Rowing, and had started a healthier lifestyle, had moved into a house-share that had become an extended family instead of just a house-share.

All was good, very good, until I got a phone call from one of the managers from work, an hour orso after I had gone home for the day…

“Eh, Marco, we need to talk….”

(SHIT…..) ok… whats up.

“Well, what you say about a stint abroad?”

Eh? What? Sorry, come again?

“The company needs some extra for a while in the Asia- Pacific Region, and we were wondering if you would like to be that person?   “

Ehm, I guess so… (yes fucking yes… ofcourse…)

“ok, well we want to schedule a call with the boss later this week to go through some of the options, ill get back to you with a time and date ok? Bye for now”

Yeah.. .sure…

Bye..

WTF just happened?

May 2012 -Help

Asking for help isn’t easy.

It’s a pride thing, its difficult when in a lot of ways you are an independent person that likes doing things by himself.

It’s an admission of failure in some ways, admitting you’re not able enough to do it yourself

It’s a form of not wanting to be a bother to another person. Even if they have pointed out they are happy to assist.

It can be seen as humiliating.

Definitely Humbling.

It’s one thing I have had to learn to accept/ do over the last 18 months or so, even after finally knowing what the problem was….

On one occasion when we had to do a “capsize test” for our Rowing club, to be able to abide by the British rowing association rules I had to ask for help, otherwise it would’ve gotten quite messy..

For this drill I had to take my lenses out… so I couldn’t see shit… so, I had to be guided to the edge of the swimming pool, where the test happened, and then to try and climb onto the seat.

Now, a swimming pool has quite an acoustic resonance, and therefor made it even more disorientating, and its was close to freaking me out for sure, but because I had made people aware of the issue, and that I needed help, things became much easier… 

Even the being flipped and landing int the water without seeing shit, was do-able, because of me having to ask for help on this one, and help was given whenever needed…

That’s how people are, most of the time they do not have a problem with helping, its us individuals that have a problem asking.

April 2012 - First time for everything?

Apart from the whole re-adjusting to work life there was also the part of re-adjusting to “general life”

As mentioned I started a bit of exercise by joining a rowing club.

But there was also the going into shops again, going to pubs n restaurant and clubs again… well, that went with its ups and downs as-well.

The going to shops itself was fine, I saw properly again, so no need for panic attacks, but I did notice I sort of had to get used to bigger crowds… oh well…  

I ended up spending the Easter Weekend at my mates "Stag Do" In Scotland, and started to notice some adjustment issues…

·        Restaurant menus are pain, mainly due to poor lightning in the restaurant itself I guess..

·        Alcohol dehydrates, and that has an effect on my eyes and cause irritation on dry eyes, and hard lenses, so if I want to drink I need to use loads of eye drops to counter act the irritation, or just drink so much I don’t notice the irritation (-:

·        Walking from a fully lit area into a darkened area, like a cinema screen is very dis-orientation, as previously my eyes would easily adjust to the darkness, but now it takes so long, I need to stand still to avoid me stepping somewhere that could make me trip.

·        Visiting a Night Club is pretty interesting as-well… Dark… loads of moving lights, and steps left right and centre…. Might need to wait a while before I go and revisit any clubs… 

·        Too much time in a Sainsbury or Asda and the overhead lightning just gives me eyestrain and head ache…

All in all, not major issue, but interesting to know, and it got me in a frame of mind, that in theory I’m going through a lot of “First Time” Experiences again, things that I had taken for granted, might now need a different approach or if anything a more careful approach.

Not a bad thing…

April 2012 - Last option

For weeks I had been trying to re-integrate into a working situation, and it just wasn’t going as had hoped..

My eyes couldn't sustain a days work, and it was just dragging, my hopes were set on these “Specs” that were ordered and should arrive anytime now… 

I had arranged for them to be sent to my place of work straight away, so I could just get it over and done with, this was either going to help me and enable me to work normally, or, it wasn’t and then we would seriously need to look at a career change or worse…

Subconsciously I think I was definitely making this a “moment” and the tension was building up… until it arrived… and I tried them on……..

Ten minutes later I looked over to my colleague and said, we’ve got 2 options here, you either give me one of your cigarettes or I’m going to start crying here on the spot….

A cigarette it was… and I was ecstatic. It seems to do the trick, I didn't have to squint anymore, the screen didn't glare, it was all in focus…. Of course, these were early indications, but man… I was f-in happy for sure….

April 2012 - Row Row Row your boat…

After having piled on the weight during the previous months, and just in general not been in shape at all, I figured I would really need to do something involving exercise…

But what? I mean, you could lose the contacts right? And then well, there be some fun to be had…

I had been checking a bit with people on the KC Facebook page to see what kind of sports the where able to do, but it did come down to being careful not to knock the lenses out for sure...

I’ve never been very sporty in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong, over the years there has been football (soccer), Taekwondo, a bit of swimming  and several Health club memberships, but it never was a constant factor as such…  but I was well aware that this time I really had to change things, as yes, this whole thing had brought me down, but maybe, just maybe I had been just that little bit fitter or healthier, I might have been able to cope with it all a bit better… then again, that might be just something I was telling myself…

The core of it was that I wasn’t healthy, and I should make sure I was, as I did never want to go back “there”

Before I went on sick-leave, I had slowly started training for a 4 day walking event in Holland were you walk 50km a day for 4 days, and I had figured that would be a good thing for me to start working on getting healthier, as I already then had realised that I was heading in the wrong way, but unfortunately I had to cut that short, as I literally almost walked into the River Thames…

And thinking back to that, I had an idea… Rowing!!!!! I had seen quite some rowing crews along the Thames during my walks there, and had thought about joining a rowing club before but was sort of held back with the potential “old boys club” idea it might just bring with it…

When I started mulling it over, I figured that theoretically I wouldn’t need my eyes in the first place.. (not completely true of course, but still…) and it would be a great way of building stamina and overall physical fitness… So I started looking around and found that the area I was moving to actually had a new rowing club near it, a club that only had started the year before and consisted of a couple of massive rowing enthusiast that just did it for the love of the sport and wanted to bring something together, and that sounded good to me..   

Having explained my issue and thoughts to one of the founders, I found myself attending one of the taster sessions and found myself hooked…. This was gonna be fun…

http://www.devilselbowrowing.co.uk/

April 2012 - Its not working

I’d been back at work now for a week or 2, and started to get anxious as it wasn’t really going the way I had hoped…

Part of my job is that I have to train people using our software package , and that involved looking over peoples shoulders in a class room situation, looking at what they are doing, and to see f they are going the right way or not, and if needs be correct them and show them the right way… well, that was one thing that definitely wasn’t working the right way, I couldn’t see shit on the screen it was too far away….  Bummer…

My other tasks were pretty do-able, but I could only do half days, as by the time id hit 3pm, my eyes were sore and teary, and I ended squinting more and more…

Not good….

What now? What if I can’t work the way I used to, what then?

Of course, work would have to make reasonable adjustments etc, but still… its more than expecting Work to adapt to you.. maybe I’m not being able to tackle KC as  much as I though i could… Wow.. and I was in such a good place for a while, and now this was sooooo dragging me down..

My first port of call was my optometrist, and explained the dilemma.. .and she was so cool and collected about it, that I put my mind at rest for a bit… she said, “come in for a test where we will try and fit you with Glasses to use on Top of your contacts….”

Which I did, and it looked like we had found a balance in the testing environment, however it was made clear enough, that this was a last resort and if it didn’t work, well, then we had something else to think about..

And that other thing to think about, really got to me, what if I can’t work as I supposed to, my right eye is close to being legally blind, what if I have to going on disability benefits, what if? Would I be better off moving back to Holland and bug my parents? What if?  What if?

One of the calls I made was also to an old friend who works in HR and I battered her with question after question, and very patiently answered all the questions that bothered me, and then said, but… shall we wait first and see what the glasses do?

She was right…. What will the glasses do?

April 2012 - Going back to work

I had already been experimenting with Laptop screen set-ups, and app called Eye-leo
http://eyeleo.com/

This reminds you every 15mins or so to avert your eyes from the screen, and tells you every so often to have a proper 5 minute break 

And an app called F.lux which reduces glare on the screen…

http://stereopsis.com/flux/

I also played around with the Windows functionality to change to inverted colours so that the glare hurted my eyes less.

As although I could sort of see things much better now, there is still the issue of over sensitivity to light that needs tackled, and well, in an office space and looking at a computer screen for 80% of the working day is not the best things then….

My GP and my Lens fitter had said to take it easy, from both a mental and an Eye perspective, their advice had been to do half days to start off with and just build up….

The first day went ok, it was only a couple of hours and involved a lot of catching up in a way… but wow, it was pretty tiring, both physically and mentally .. but I got through it and over the days to follow I could stretch it more and more, this involved many breaks, and a lot of use of Eye Drops, but it worked….

It’s a start.

April 2012 - Lost it

FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s the night before returning to work after an 8^th month absence, and I’ve just lost one of my lenses…..

What now, what if i cant find it, I cant go to work, can I?

I was taking them out, and one fell… and I can’t freaking find it… to say I’m stressed out is putting it mildly…

I had taken all the safety measure, in an area with loads of light, bathroom, stopper over the drain so it can’t go in there, etc etc… but its gone….

For about 15 minutes I attempt finding it myself, until I just have to give in and wake my housemate….

And surprise surprise, another 15/20minutes spent and we still can’t find it…

Until....she suddenly spots it...... on the tip of the bathrooms sinks tap…. Seriously!?!?!?!?!

We had been scouring the floor, any nook and cranny we could possibly come up with to find it on the tip of a tap??  the lens is slightly blue-ish, and this, on a clear silvery surface, can be tricky to find, but still, who would look there?

In any case, it gave me a massive scare, and loads of thinking time about making sure I would have another spare set of lenses in the first place, just in-case something would go wrong, but to spent another £500 just in case I would do something stupid??… well….. if you know me, u probably would’ve told me I probably should’ve….

Ok, I’ll think about it.. For now.. back to work in the morning (-:

The Gift of Vision

Just back from my Trip to Bali and can only say the following…

Wow……

A year ago I was convinced I’d be home-bound for the rest of my life, due to being depressed and not being able to see…. And now, well…. It’s a bit of a different story for sure…

Last year I looked like this 

and saw things like this…

12-months on and I have come to the root of my vision issues, have had a positive change in both personal life and professional life and now look like this, 

and see things like this…

Life is good, I’ve got people in my life all over the world that care about me and who in return I care about a lot as well…  and although I’m sure at times I annoy the shit out of them often enough, they’ll stick with me, and I’ll stick with them…  

I for one, can’t wait to see (pun intended) what the future has in store 

Moving on…

This post is a temporary jump into present day, before continuing to bring you slowly but steadily uptodate the way ive been doing so far.

My last post got me thinking a bit, I had moved.. but what did that really mean?

I had moved out, of a flat I loved, and moved into a new living situation into a fantastic house with a little 3 person family who at that stage didn’t realise we would end up “adopting” each other as part of that little family, which luckily we did… .

Unfortunately I had to move on again only months later for a new challenge that came along my path, with my boss offering me a job role in the Asia-Pacific region, which I just could not say no to, after having spent the previous year struggling with what was wrong with me, I now had a chance to move on from that..

And with all that moving comes meeting new people and leaving others behind, close friends and family in Europe who couldn’t be happier for me, my ex who.. well, I suppose is happy to have gotten rid of me, but still happy things were moving in a positive direction

I have now moved to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and am looking to settle here for the next couple of years, if not permanently.

With this move I have met, again, more people, and 1 or 2 people that seem to become very good and close friends, people that I hope will be part of my (Malaysian) life  for a long time to come.

And its all this moving that made me think… I had come out of my sickleave pretty positive, we finally knew what was wrong with my eyes, I kicked my bout of depression, but then, my relationship ended.. 4yrs  of being together with a person I loved dearly ended… this could have brought me down crashing back to earth in no time, but its these previously mentioned friends and family that prevented that from happening, and although I was gutted and sad about it, it became a situation of concentrating on all the people that were still in my life, all the love I had felt from them during my bad spell, and was still getting from them, this in itself helped me Move on, and it made me realise that, yeah, maybe being in a relationship is what we all want, but don’t forget to value what’s around you already…the support of my friends and family have made this year a positive one for me and are responsible for me to be able to move on..…  and its only sad that KC is the catalyst for me to finally see that more clearly....(yes, pun intended)

I’m am off to Bali on holiday for a couple of days next week with one of the above mentioned new friends as a well- deserved break and treat to finish off this eventful year for me.  I had also planned to do a bit of hiking with anther of my new friends in Malaysia itself, but unfortunately I had to cancel on that due to work commitments, but am sure we will do so at some point anyway…

I’m mentioning this as initially going on these trips slightly freaked me out, as I’m still trying to identify how my eyes and RGP’s will behave in certain situations.
I still regularly trip and stumble due to some irregular depth perception issues… how would that go during a proper hike? or even walking  along a beach or something?.. .on my own it could be potential comedy, but because of friends its just another step in moving on….

March 2012 -The Move

The day of the move had come, a couple days before cautiously going back to work….and it was scary….

I had to drive a long distance (London Heathrow Area - Nottingham ) since the first time I was allowed to drive again, on top of that I didn't have a clue what the car was going to do, it had been standing on the side of the road for many months so it could be forgiven for playing up.

As I was moving into a fully furnished situation it was only going to be 2 car loads of things. 

Its amazing that after having moved the probably 15/16 times in the last 13yrs, I still had soooo much shit to drag with me.

The idea had been to move in two parts, from an eye & drive safety perspective, and it wouldn’t be a bad thing to start unpacking half when I’m there already..

Well, the driving went well, but none of the unpacking happened, as on arrival I got welcomed by my new housemate with a bottle of wine and dinner, so guess that had to happen the next time when I came back with the rest.

Two days later I brought over the rest, and I had noticed a few things…

My eyes were OK with Driving, 

The car was fine, 

and I was a wreck….

To be honest I never had been the most fittest of persons, but this sitting at home business and my light bout of depression, had made me balloon to 125kg and that wasn't good, (at time of Writing, I can luckily say I have been able to loose 30kg of that already and am hoping to lose even more in the upcoming months…) and on top of that just walking up or down the stairs with a box or whatever, had me out of breath before reaching the top of the stairs.

So yes, I was fit for work, but was I fit? 

March 2012 - Driving - (a Car this time)

I hadn't driven a car since I went off on sick leave, 8 months of not driving, and I hadn't really thought about it really until one day when I visited Holland for my brothers surprise leaving party, when we were in the car at night and suddenly a whole host of street lights merged into a sort of chain of light, the light bulbs had become circles and started interconnecting like the Olympic rings almost.

Why hadn't I noticed it before?? I don’t know, maybe that this time I sat on the side of where I would normally sit to drive in the UK, with the steering wheel being on a different side in Holland, it might have been the issue… I don’t know, but I noticed it and it freak me out….

I had over-time, before going on leave, noticed that driving, especially at night or during twilight, wasn't one of my favourite things to do anymore.

It actually had started to scare me slightly.. Making up excuses to not pick up my girlfriend from work when I worked from home, looking at getting somewhere by train instead of the car, but still driving… against better judgment…

none the less, when my sight was coming back due to these RGP lenses, I did have some hope I would be able to drive again, but wasn't counting on it, and had accepted that, if not, well, then not…

However, after finally having settled on the last pair of lenses that worked for me, and being told, go and live your life, it’s all good and come back next year, unless something happens. I also got told my sight was apparently good enough to drive again… (yes!!!!)

So, when I got home, I started the car…. and it didn't start… )-:

Obviously….. it had been standing along the road for the last 8 months with not much action apart from getting its MOT done 2 months before. No doubt the Battery hadn't liked this non-movement, and emptied itself, and to be fair, it was old anyway, and probably should’ve been replaced anyway… so first that had to be sorted…

Anyway, the next day.. I had gotten a new battery from a garage just across the road, and placed it in, and started the car… Yes!!!!!  It worked… so now… putting in the damn thing into gear and go for a spin…

Man, that was weird, my heart was beating like I don’t know what, adrenaline rushing through my body like there was no tomorrow, and all I had done was drive to the Petrol station…

After having filled up the tank and gathered my senses, I decided to drive on instead of just returning home, and it actually went pretty good indeed… I did not have any blurry vision or un-sharpness, there was a little bit of the two cyclists in the distance turning into one cyclist when I got closer, but was that a problem or not?

I mean, once you know that’s the case, you can work with that, and when I say distance I mean "Distance", as in more than half the length of a football pitch away from me..

And I noticed it was only on narrow and small things.. Not with cars or anything bigger… all in all it went much better than I had hoped, and more importantly probably better than the last time I had driven. 

A good start...


"I Stopped To Fill My Car Up" - Stereophonics

i stopped to fill my car up 
the car felt good that day 
i didn't know where i was going 
but it felt good for a change 
a five and a pocket full of silver 
i paid the lady no change 
and then it started to piss down 
i started driving again 
and then i looked up 
and looked in the mirror behind me 
a man round forty in the back seat 
must have stepped in when i was empty 
so why's he sat there just waiting 
likely to smash my face in 
he had a bag full of money 
he said just drive me away 
i didn't know where i was going 
yet it felt good to be strange 
and still i look up 
and look in the mirror behind me 
curiosity is over 
he stepped down from the car 
he pulled a gun from his jacket 
said i was going to die 
it gives me so much satisfaction 
to watch you beg and cry 
well i just made up this story 
to get your attention makes me smile 
i never looked up or looked 
in the mirror behind me

March 2012 - How do you explain this?

We had settled on the right lenses for me, and that mean a proper set was ordered, and that I didn’t have anything to wear for another week orso…

But, I had to do stuff…  Most importantly, I had been “hunting” for a place to live…

We lived round about the London/ Heathrow area for the last 3years orso, and although that was fine, my Head Office was in the East Midlands, and most of the time I was “on the road” anyway, so it didn’t make a massive difference of where I lived. However, I was looking to return to work soon, and looking for accommodation due to the breakup with my girlfriend.

Now, I figured that having missed out on work for the last 7/8months I must be behind on things happening, and probably forgotten a couple of things as well, so why stay inside the M25, and not just go live closer to the office, and work there if I’m not “on the road…” ?? made sense..

So there I went, looking for accommodation. .  I had a plan, I had figured that after spending so much time “in my Head” over the months before, getting a place just for myself, might not be the best idea ever… so maybe a house share might be the way forward. I had found 3 suitable places and one flat for me on my own as well, just in case… I had settled on an easy commutable place 20 minutes away from our office, and went to meet the people I had contacted… but…. Eh.. how do you approach the subject, that normally you might function ok-ish, but today they will be meeting someone with silly yellow specs and a cane….?  

With a sense of humour seems to be the answer… no fretting, just put it out there, make a joke or 2 about possibly tripping somewhere and it all just flows…

All of this might sound weird, and maybe it shouldnt be someothing to worry about in the first place, but I have found over the last couple of months that there are many times I have had to explain my situation and what it means… maybe more, as because of work I ended up re-locating again only months later to the Asia Pacific region, where I met new colleagues Customers and Friends… and sometimes it’s not relevant, but when you do spent a lot of time together it does become relevant..

In the end I settled on a house-share where I had a lot of space for myself, but still would, if needs be, be able to socialise with the family I was sharing with, and that ended up being a pretty good idea

February 2012 - Test-Driving: 2nd round

My Friend from Sweden had invited me over for a long weekend after she had heard I’d be living with my ex for another 6 weeks after our break-up and had decided it’s not a healthy environment to “recover” in, so  she flew me over and I ended up testing me 2^nd set of lenses in Sweden…

There’s worse places to be I guess.. (-:

Again, it was process of loads of different emotions and experience, but maybe it was because I was enjoying a different environment, and being away from the place I had started to loath so much (mainly because I had sort of been “imprisoned” in it for so long.) and of course spending time with a dear and close friend, but the 2^nd run of lenses were so much better fitting wise and vision wise….

It gave me a chance to experiment with putting them “in” and Taking then “out” in a relaxed situation.. Which at the time I didn't recognise as much as now, but yeah, it did help a lot..

She had to work the most of the time, but there were some hours we were able to do just things, like going for walk with her families dog, I didn't realise how much I missed being able to do something like that until then...

Man, how liberating... silly, but true..

During the times she was working, I took my time with trying to wear the Contacts longer and longer, put them in for a couple of hours, take them out, rest and lie down a bit, then after an hour or 2, back in with them… and my eyes were protesting less and less… until on one of the last days they didn't co-operate, and they just weren't going in, no matter what I tried, obviously my tactics had backfired on me…

So, instead of having a nice Brisky walk with my friend through a stunning Malmo, it ended up being Her, Me and my Cane, going for a little wander… not the same… not the same at all..

Another bit of fun added to this was… Flying with RGP lenses.

I was informed by my lens-fitter that that apparently could be a challenge, as the recycled air inside the plane does dry out your eyes, and dry-eyes and RGP lenses do not really go together very well.

So instead of being brave and bold, I bolted, and just went with my cane, and let the nice looking (I think) Scandinavian Stewardesses guide me to my seat… both to Sweden and Back to the UK, which in hind sight added to my relaxing 2^nd week of testing.

All in all a much more steadier experience this second week for sure, and I had good hopes for the future.. 

February 2012 - Test-Driving: The Results

So how did it go?

To be honest, it was an attack on the senses like I've not experienced before…with a big bag of various emotions to boot…upsetting, jubilant, motivating, de-motivating, promising, encouraging, infuriating ….and so much more…

Initially there’s the euphoria of being able to see again, like a normal human being, seeing colours, details, (being able to do the dishes and know for sure that they are clean!!!)

I for instance spotted that after living there for almost a year that the wall of the landing in from of our Flat’s front door had a patterned relief on it… my ex, who had been living there just as long, hadn’t even noticed that… and her eyes were pretty perfect…

As previously mentioned, colours were so full-on and intense that I was convinced I’ve never seen properly in the first place.

Being able to see people’s faces was probably the biggest emotional thing to hit me… but even going to shops again without having to cower in the isles or just walk there without having to worry about tripping was such a relieve… and although I had just started coming out of a depression, which with ending a long relationship in the midst of it isn’t an easy thing to do, I can definitely credit my eyesight “returning” and experiencing all these positive things again to being able to "climb out" that bit sooner…

But… it wasn’t all good and great…

The pain and irritation on my eyes was no fun at all, but all for a good cause… I slowly build up from wearing them for 90 minutes to probably 3 hours the first week,( the second week I went to 6hrs…)

I slowly build it up… but easy? No… it wasn’t…

Another upsetting fact was realising (again) all the things taken away from you when your vision goes… 

Taking the contacts out after testing brought me back down quickly enough, having to stumble around the flat again, realising you really can't see shit without them…

But also realising that even with the lenses in there are still some things way out of focus, especially in the distance… one runner or cyclist approx. 50meters away from me, would look like 2, until they would suddenly merge into one whilst they would come closer…

Reading things up close was a problem, Bus timetables, Doctors Notes, News papers, I still needed to squint,

 “but everything else was great, so come on, feel good about it.. “ 

Yeah, but I need to read a lot in my job, a lot of computer screen, so what with that then?

In the end, of course the positives outweighed the negatives of course, but it’s all that Alone Time that just messes with your head way too much..

Of course, these were only the first test lenses… lets get a second set and see…